Poets In Blue

Stop and Breathe...

2010-05-25T18:56:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I just need to stop, breathe, and relax...

Something from almost 5 years ago...

2010-05-07T20:03:00.000-07:00

I found this tonight while discussing going GF with someone facing that challenge, and I thought I'd repost it (more for me than anyone else).

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Goodbye to Gluten

"Drink with me to days gone by, to the life that used to be..."

Warning: The purpose of this post is to explain something that I’m going through. Consider it a mini-funeral, mixed with the ushering in of something new.

This past year has been like none other for me. I started college, made new friends, fell in love… overall, it’s been a wonderful year. However, it has not been an easy one in the health field. The stress of college and finals resulted in a bout of "self-induced mono" (per the doctor). Even when I was over that, I didn’t feel better. I’ve been sicker (off and on) than I can ever remember being. Worst of all, there is no apparent cause. Or there wasn’t.

At the beginning of summer, my mom and I began the process of trying to figure out exactly what it was that ailed me. Tests were run, and nothing showed up. A doctor suggested I see a gastroenterologist. So off we went. In the meantime, I began researching celiac disease. I read up on it, talked to people who had it, and became convinced that I too had it. (People with celiac disease can’t process gluten, a protein found in wheat, rye and barley products. I began watching what I ate, and realized that the times I was sick tended to follow eating those products... or, all the time.)

The gastroenterologist ran tests for many things, including celiac. Nothing abnormal showed up. He chalked it up to IBS, and sent me on my merry way. I, however, was not satisfied. The sickness continued, as did my search for an answer. What I’ve learned is that celiac is a branch on the gluten-intolerance tree; you can be gluten intolerant without being a celiac. If this is the case, your test results for celiac will likely be negative (like mine were), and your intolerance only diagnosable by a diet-change.

It’s time for me to make that change. It won’t be easy. Think about how many times a day you consume a wheat, rye or barley product. That number multiplies when you look at the non-bread uses for those products (like malt flavorings, or the omelets at IHOP, or almost any prepared foods). Now, think about going without all of that, of making sure that you don’t consume anything with gluten in it. It won’t be easy.

So here’s my goodbye:
Goodbye to wheat, rye and barley. Goodbye pasta, sandwiches, and flour tortillas. Goodbye gravy, chicken nuggets, and burgers. Goodbye cereal, toast, pancakes and waffles. Goodbye to frozen dinners, to convenience. Goodbye to being "normal". Goodbye to the eating habits I’ve lived by for over 19 years...

Hopefully, I’m also saying goodbye to migraines, fatigue, irritability, illness, depression, “brain fog”, and pain. Goodbye to all those hours spent feeling sick. Goodbye to the constant fear of going out, getting sick, and being stuck.

Here’s what I’m saying hello to:
To reading labels and ingredient lists. To buying fresh, unprepared foods. To taking the time to make my own meals and breads if I want them (though there is at least one place in Norman that sells gluten-free breads and pasta). To being assertive and standing up for this as more than a “trendy diet”. To a stronger willpower, because cheating on this won’t get me anywhere. To a healthier, happier life.

Like I said, this won’t be easy. I’ll need all the support and encouragement that I can get. I’m not strong enough to do this on my own. While I’m not asking you all to go through this with me (though you can if you want to), I am asking for support, prayer and encouragement. And, lastly, for you to join me in my goodbye to the “life that used to be.”

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Interesting. Coincidentally, I listened to that song earlier tonight and wanted to put it as my status update on facebook, but didn't. It's amazing how much has changed since then (my comfort with cooking, my gluten-free food repertoire, my joy in eating) and how much hasn't (a creature of habit, not very assertive, etc). I still long for a burger that I can pick up to eat... and I miss flour tortillas, and peanut butter and jelly on white bread. And most of the time I feel better than I used to, but some of those symptoms still linger; I'm not sure if they're the result of some hidden gluten, or some other cause (stress, perhaps?). Either way, it's life.

Springtime

2010-04-09T16:30:00.001-07:00

Hope your spring is as lovely as mine has been; if so, please take the time to stop and enjoy it!

Heartstrings

2010-03-29T16:39:00.000-07:00

It's been six and a half years since I've been abroad, six and a half years since Russia. Pictures still hang on my wall at my parents' home, and I've managed to keep in touch with a handful of my friends from there. Six and half years is a long time, when you're only 24. I'm a very different person than I was then.

But, in an instant, I'm back there. Certain smells, or when the weather is just right, or when certain songs come on the radio. I can still feel it, like I'm there.

This morning there was a bombing there, in Moscow; two women killed themselves, and many others, in the subway during rush hour. I don't know if my friends are safe; I'll hear from some, sure, but the others... those I've lost touch with... will remain a mystery. My heart aches for those who have lost loved ones, for those who were injured, for those who will live in fear now and always wonder if their next ride will be their last. My heart also aches for those who did it, but for a different reason: they carried so much hatred with them that this action was their only answer. I'll never understand how anyone could do such a thing, nor do I want to.

I realize that Moscow is not the only city in the world under attack, nor Russia the only country fighting terrorism or at war, nor those families the only ones suffering sudden and horrific losses... and I realize that this is nothing new. Today's news just hit me a little harder, pulled a little harder on my heartstrings, than yesterday's or the day-before's.

I want hatred to disappear. As cliche as it sounds, I want world peace.

How do I make that happen?

On being happy...

2010-03-13T14:36:00.000-08:00

At times, it's easy. The sun is shining warmly on my face, the music is good, work is done, I feel accomplished, heading wherever to see loved ones... no struggles there. Happy comes easily.

The rest of the time looks quite different. Work is frustrating, never ending. My head and body ache. The worries of life--from bills to planning my family's future--loom over me. People let me down; I let people down. It's a struggle to stay positive, to fight back against every negative thought and feeling that creeps up on me during the day.

But I've tried harder the past few days, and the struggle is worth it. Life is better, when I stay positive.

I like being happy.

Issues

2010-03-10T19:25:00.001-08:00

I was talking to some friends tonight about the way we were raised, and how that affects our inner dialogues of positive and negative thoughts, which affects our relationships with those around us... and I started thinking.

I was depressed as a child, around age 9. We had moved across the country, I had a tough year at the new school, I was sick and in pain all the time (and didn't figure out the cause until college), and I remember feeling deeply, severely depressed. I remember looking at my family and feeling unloved, unwanted. Make no mistake, it was completely untrue; my parents have always loved me and have tried their best to show it. But something in me changed, and I started to hate myself... and I extended that to believing that my family hated me. After a very frustrating while, the depression faded, and I moved forward... but I never completely healed. From then on, I've worked to do everything perfectly, to be the best me that I possibly could be, to earn love, so that no one would ever have any reason to hate me. At the same time, I built up walls to protect myself, to not let anyone get close enough to see my flaws and faults.

But, you see, it doesn't work. As long as I'm perfect, things seem fine... but perfection in unattainable. Every time I fail or falter or struggle, I start to believe that others dislike me, look down on me, find me incompetent and foolish and annoying, are disappointed in me... because that's how I feel about myself. And the walls that I've built up have kept so many people from getting to know the "real" me. the likable, relatable me, with faults and strengths and emotions; all they see is a struggling perfectionist who is often angry (with herself, more often than not) and distant. And, despite knowing that my loved ones love me, I constantly question whether I'm good enough for them.

I don't want to be negative; I don't want to keep living this way, and I don't want it to affect my children (when I have them). I want to be happy, to have joy, to love myself, to not hurt, to not question, to not doubt. But after years of living this way... I don't know how to change, or where to start.

I just want to be free.

Words

2010-03-06T16:16:00.000-08:00

It's easy to forget the power of words.

Words? We use them to communicate, but they do more than express mere facts. They carry our emotions and feelings; they speak to our hearts as well as our heads. The right word can raise down-trodden and discouraged spirits, provide hope for the distraught, inspire artists, bring laughter to the crying and convey love to the most wretched soul. The wrong word can merely confuse, or it can cut more deeply and more sharply than a sword. Words can move nations into action, for good (MLK Jr.) or for bad (Hitler). Words are powerful tools, and we should always consider how we use them.

Perhaps the most dangerous weapon is a carelessly spoken word; without thinking, and within a second, unintentional damage can be done. This is none more true than with those we love, those with whom we have become vulnerable. The wounds caused by words will heal, but the process is slow and delicate. For each negative word spoken, hundreds of positive ones must be used to rebuild and repair.

Please, consider your words wisely... don't just talk.

Strengths

2010-03-03T19:23:00.001-08:00

My boss gave everyone a book and had us all take a test online to find our strengths (look into Strengths Finder 2.0 for more information). My results were and weren't surprising: Input, Intellection, Empathy, Connectedness, and Developer. As I read the descriptions for each of these, I kept thinking how on-track they were. Moreover, it tells you how to put this strength to action.

Input is a mix of inquisitiveness and a tendency to collect (facts, data, knowledge, trinkets, etc). "Whatever you collect, you collect it because it interests you." Over the years I've worked on overcoming my pack-rat tendencies; my collections now are limited to movies, music, books, a few magazines, photographs, and a piece of art from each major travel destination in my life (the Alsace region of France, Moscow, New York City, so far). But it's true: I am a perpetual student. I chose my major because it included so many things I love (f.y.i., it was history, literature, philosophy, an ancient language, a modern language, and lots of electives) and was flexible (I could choose classes from any of the above fields, and pick whichever one interested me). One recommended action for Input is scheduling time to read and grow, or increase vocabulary. Getting back into literature has been on my to-do list for a while... I might bump it up a bit.

Intellection, although awkwardly titled, is fairly self-explanatory, but it "does not dictate what you are thinking about; it simply describes that you like to think." Some recommended actions? "Consider beginning or continuing your studies in philosophy, literature or psychology"... sounds great (and a little familiar)! "Take time to write. Writing might be the best way for you to crystalize and integrate your thoughts." Thus, updating the blog. And, now, I can tell myself that blogging is good for me!

Empathy is sensing "the emotions of those around you... feel(ing) what they are feeling as though their feelings are your own." I think the Empathy action that most stood out to me is as follows: "At times, your empathy may overwhelm you. Create some rituals that you can use at the end of your work day to signal that work is over. This will help buffer your emotions and prevent burnout." I get so emotionally invested in my work (placing responsibility for successes and failures, completions and incompetence fully on my shoulders) that I have trouble stopping at the end of the day. I want orders to be right for the customers, I want the production process to be efficient and effective for myself and my coworkers, I want to get all my work done well the first time so that no one counting on me is let down... and I have to do it all myself. Or so I think, and feel. As soon as something goes wrong, I'm crushed. It's amazing that my meltdowns (all outside of work, but related) haven't been more frequent!

Connectedness is one that I wasn't quite sure about, at first. However, I do agree with some of its description:

"We are individuals, responsible for our own judgments and in possession of our own free will, but nonetheless we are part of something larger... If we are all part of a larger picture, then we must not harm others..."
The way humility fits in, knowing who you are, what role you play, and that you--with your strengths and weaknesses--rely on and help others

Mainly, it made me think of a point in my childhood. I was young (under eight), and asked my mom this question: "If Adam and Eve were the first people, aren't we all one big family?" Maybe connectedness IS accurate for me.

Lastly is Developer. "You see the potential in others. Very often, in fact, potential is all you see. In your view, no individual is fully formed... each individual is a work in progress, alive with possibilities." Quite true. In the actions, it suggests ways to help develop and encourage those around me, while warning against over-investing in lost causes (which Developers struggle to recognize) and against neglecting your own development.

The concept behind the book is that we spend too much time focusing on our weakest points while neglecting the talents we all come by naturally. The result is a negative attitude, a continual struggle to improve, a lack of satisfaction in the workplace and in life, and inefficiencies. The authors argue that if people are put in situations or positions where they can use and grow in their natural talents, the workplace will run better and that person will be happy. Quite interesting stuff. I'm curious to see how my coworkers turn out, and how my husband does. What about you? What are your strengths?

The next day...

2010-01-24T16:07:00.000-08:00

was a bit better. I'm guessing I needed an attitude adjustment more than anything else, and some sleep.

Learning to be happy, regardless of the ups and downs of life, is not easy.

More to come, but not tonight!

Today...

2010-01-21T15:35:00.000-08:00

was not my best day.

By no means am I perfect, and I'm not some superhero. That said, I am intelligent, capable and hardworking. So why, on so many days, do I leave work feeling not only like I don't quite fit in, but like I am completely idiotic, incompetent and worthless?? I was afraid all afternoon that, should someone ask me the wrong question, I would either reply with months of frustration and sarcasm, or burst into tears, or both. I was so emotionally spent that I cried... sobbed... all the way home.

Why does my job get to me this much? I like what I do, and I like some of the people I work with... but a good percent of the time, I leave work worn out and frustrated (and, occasionally, in tears). I have a lot on my plate at work right now; who doesn't? It's stressful; so was college, and so is life. I've missed the mark before, so it's not like I have this ideal of attaining perfection in all aspects of my life. So why does it bother me so much??

I don't need less on my plate. I'm not asking for help. I work hard to get everything on my list done, and done well, without leaving slack for others to pick up. Maybe I need a "thank you", or "good job", or "hey, you seem busy/stressed/frustrated... is there anything I can do?"... or maybe I just need people to be understanding, reasonable with their deadlines, and appreciative.

Maybe I just need a new job.

Or an attitude adjustment.

Or a nap.

_____________________________________

Sorry for complaining. I either vented here, or in an email to my boss. The latter didn't seem like a great idea, so here it is!

Just a picture...

2010-01-07T18:42:00.001-08:00

Not much to say today... still digesting what I wrote yesterday. Thought I'd share a picture, for anyone reading this as well as for myself. Hope you enjoy!

A whole new year...

2010-01-06T16:19:00.000-08:00

Apparently, I've not kept up well with keeping this little blog updated. Instead of apologizing (although, I am sorry) and making excuses and being negative... I'm moving forward. Fast forward from last year:

bridal showers
wedding planning
moving me into our new apartment
wedding!!
moving the rest of his stuff into our new place
changing jobs (his)
settling in, then a housewarming (ish) party
finding a new church (closer to the new place)
getting involved in said church (small group, giving, him voluteering, making friends)
hosting Thanksgiving for both sets of parents
holiday season craziness at my work
job loss (his)
the Blizzard of '09 (right smack dab in the middle of our Christmas traveling)
New Year!

I think that's most of the big stuff. It's been another crazy year with lots of ups and downs, back-and-forths (literally, while traveling to see family, and emotionally). The best part is that he and I have learned more about ourselves, as individuals and a couple, in the past two months than in the past five years. That might be an exaggeration... or, it might not. I honestly have learned a lot about me: my strengths, my flaws, my skills, my priorities. I'm not into making resolutions for the new year, but I recognize areas needing improvement and know that accountability will make progress in those areas much more likely. So, here we go:

I need an attitude adjustment. Most days, I'm grumpy, self-centered, self-serving, bitter, whining, unsatisfied, depressed, unhappy... you get the picture. But when it boils down to it... I have no reason to be. I am loved... by God and my husband and my family and my friends; I don't deserve that love, I've done nothing to earn it, but it's there. And I'm blessed... to have the life I have, the opportunities I've had. I have no right to complain; I should be infinitely more thankful, and I should enjoy life instead of finding things to complain about. I'm making an effort to be positive, thankful and loving, which leads me to my next point.

Be love. I've had this thought stuck in my head a lot the past few months: I need to be love (for that definition, see 1 Corinthians 13:4-7). Regardless of what I get back. Looking back at older posts, it's not a new idea to me... but it's time to put it into practice. Doing so won't be easy, and I'll probably struggle with it every day... but it's the right thing to do. Love God, love others, be love.

Keep my priorities in line with my true values. How I spend my time, money and energies reflects my priorities... and frankly, I'm ashamed that it reflects material possessions, an addiction to Starbucks, trashy television shows, and myself. I've looked at how I've been living, and I don't like it. What are my true values? Building strong and lasting relationships... with my husband, my parents, my sister, my friends. Helping others... my monthly Starbucks expenses could go much farther if donated to charities, and my hours spent in front of the television could be spent serving others. Bettering myself... while this sounds self-centered, I mean working on my spiritual walk, reading books that build me up (mentally, spiritually or emotionally), improving my health, learning new skills... all things that make me a better friend, coworker, family member, mother (someday... not yet!), wife, and person. Simple... the theme of my wedding was "nice and simple", and I loved following that... so, it's time to simplify my life: make do with less, find joy in giving (not in getting, and not in my possessions), focusing on my priorities instead of daily and unimportant distractions... and so on.

Big goals, big changes... but really, much needed. Here's to the new year, and to the progress I hope to make!

And, if I don't post anything again for another year, let's hope I can say that significant progress has been made.

Until later, God Bless!

2009-01-31T20:03:00.000-08:00

Swirls of rich colors splatter the walls,
Revealing glimpses of dreams and fantasy,
Glimpses contrasted only by stark
Black-and-white snapshots of reality,
All covering an unassuming background
Of builder beige.
Precisely sized—neither large enough to
Feel empty, nor small enough to be cramped.
Warm, but ordinary, and, though fairly tidy,
Piles are forming.
Treasured memories lie out in the open,
While secrets cower behind closed doors.
Apart from others but still
Welcoming to those who approach.
Homey and comfortable,
Not old, but already showing signs of wear.
A delicate balance of work and play,
Youth and age, solitude and openness,
Dream and reality, function and comfort—
My room: a reflection of me.

A new beginning

2009-01-21T20:51:00.000-08:00

To be truthful, I am awful at updating this... perhaps because I'm busy, or perhaps because no one reads it. Regardless of my past tendencies, I am determined to use this more often. So here's my first attempt at that.

So, Life. Life has been eventful and busy: graduation from college, job search, proposal (!), getting a job (!), moving into my first apartment (!), planning a wedding, mandatory overtime for holiday madness, meeting more family, and so on. It has officially slowed down, but I feel like this is just the calm before the storm. In the next six months I am moving again, which means I need to start looking for a new home (with room for two!). Work is full of big projects, which is a welcome change from the madness of the last two months. I'm getting married five months and one week from yesterday... which means the rest of the wedding has to be planned as soon as possible. All these things are good, of course, and I'm trying to relish these experiences as they come... but part of me wishes they were already happy memories for me to cherish.

I miss valuable, enriching entertainment: literature, classic movies, plays, crosswords. It's not that I don't have the time now... I just don't have the energy. I come home and... collapse? Not literally, but it's far easier to sit in front of the television, mindlessly watching the screen, than it is to find good books or go see plays or... I could do it, I just haven't done it.

That's all for tonight. More to come, I promise.

Lord, I need some help...

2008-03-24T18:54:00.001-07:00

I am... what? I am a person struggling to stay afloat in life's stormy waters. I am longing for a simple life, a life filled with happiness and love and joy. I am me on my own, but I could be so much more with you. I am blessed in so many ways, especially in that you want to be with me. I am asking a lot, I know. I am also admitting I can't do it on my own. Will you help me?

Help me find peace of mind, and peace of soul. Help me find rest. Help me remember to love and not grow angry, to laugh and not cry. Help me be satisfied with little; help me find joy in the darkest of hours. Help me to breathe when I feel like I'm drowning. Help me know what's good for me and what isn't. Help me to remember that I'm not alone. Help me be strong, help me need you, help me become all that you want me to be. Help me live my life to its fullest potential, to meet your standards and exceed your expectations. Help me remember your blessings, and help me share them with others.

As I've grown up, I've started thinking that Christianity is more about love and less about rules. The rules are good, too, in that they're there to protect us. But really, it's all about love. His love for you, His love for me. His love for others. His love that we're called to carry to others. Not love as in free-love-free-sex-etcetera, but... love as in being selfless, putting others first and serving their needs, genuinely caring about everyone and what is going on in their lives, using your words, actions, skills to better myself and those around me.

I'm tired of being angry and frustrated and hurt and confused and everything else. I just want to love and be loved. But I'm human; I'll get angry and hurt and frustrated and will give up... if I do it on my own. But with His help... those things may still happen, but I won't stop loving because of them. He'll make me strong and carry me through, no matter what, unless He desires otherwise.

So help me Lord... Help me.

Grace

2008-02-01T19:59:00.000-08:00

I keep listening to this song by U2 (actually, the Nichole Nordeman version) and am struck by it. Grace is what I need, and the girl Grace in here is what I want to be... I want to find beauty and goodness in everything, to heal others' pains, to love others purely and regardless of who they are or what they have done, and to positively change the world.

Grace, she takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name

Grace, it's the name for a girl
It's also a thought that changed the world
And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings
Grace finds goodness in everything

Grace, she's got the walk
Not on a ramp or on chalk
She's got the time to talk
She travels outside of karma
She travels outside of karma
When she goes to work
You can hear her strings
Grace finds beauty in everything

Grace, she carries a world on her hips
No champagne flute for her lips
No twirls or skips between her fingertips
She carries a pearl in perfect condition

What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings
Because Grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things

Grace makes beauty out of ugly things

Questions

2008-01-08T21:04:00.000-08:00

I was going to start this with "Let me tell you something...", but that's how the last post started, and repetition is boring. So I'll just tell you instead of telling you I'll tell you. Too late.

I have no idea what I'm doing. (With life, that is, not in regard to this blog, although that too could use a little guidance. ) Do I take a career path just to have a career path, or do I just go with whatever comes my way and trust that that is best for me? Do I live with a friend--who sometimes drives me crazy--because she's a friend and bills would be lower when divided between two people, or do I go it alone and hope whatever job I have will be enough to pay the bills? Do I spend money on an insurance plan or just hope I don't get sick, and which insurance plan would be best? Do I scrutinize what I eat and drink and exercize to feel comfortable with my body in a perfection-obsessed society, or do I simply focus on enjoying good food (that may or may not be "healthy")? Do I eat out--spending money on semi-decent food and risking getting sick from cross contamination--because it's easy and I'm lazy, or do I learn to make different foods at home for myself? Do I spend the majority of my time at work, where I can make money and have some financial security now, or focusing on school so I can be secure (maybe) in the future?

These are just some of the questions on my mind right now, and while the last one is a little obvious (do both!) they're not always easy to answer. They might seem like insignificant questions to you, but they may not be plaguing your life the way they are mine.

I have so much to be thankful for. Truly, so much. And worrying just takes away from that. I'm tempted to just let go of all my worries and live in the moment and enjoy my life as it happens, but something--fear of failing or being unprepared or drifting aimlessly, perhaps--is holding me back. I want to say "yes" to living life fully, but all these other questions come up and demand answers.

Sometimes, I wish life was simpler. Complexity can make things interesting, but sometimes simplicity is desirable.

"Love God. Love others." Then what?

Life

2007-10-18T19:38:00.000-07:00

Let me state this upfront: I'm not a poet, unless life is a poem. That part is up to you.

Having said that, I move on to what I am. I am a young woman utterly unaware which direction her life will take, or should take, in the next few years; all I want to do is make a difference, love others and be loved. I am a Christian. I am in love for the first time, and hopefully the last. I am a perpetual student, as there is always something more to gain. I have hopes, and fears; I laugh at odd things and cry far too easily. I am gluten-free and cannot wait to have my own home and kitchen. I am learning to live life day by day, savoring every last moment and storing every memory, without neglecting to prepare for tomorrow or remember the past. I am learning to appreciate the little things in life, because in the end they mean far more than the big things. I am (according to some) pretty, though perhaps not by the standards of society; however, beauty is relevant. I am constantly changing and growing, whether I like it or not. I am caring, compassionate, confused, inquisitive, nurturing, obsessive, optimistic, sarcastic, smart, witty.

I work, attend school, love those around me as best as I can. I make mistakes often and try to learn from them. I work to become the best me, knowing that that will never mean perfection. I never want to stop learning or growing, yet I hope to never abandon a child's innocent enjoyment of life and openness. I want to change the world for the better but do not know how; I guess I start with myself and those around me. I never want to run out of questions or memories. I want to live with no regrets, as impossible as that may sound, and I want to see the world before I die.

I am just another girl, and yet so much more than that. I may seem simple and straightforward, but a closer look reveals that--like a poem--there is more to me than meets the eye.