Stop and Breathe...

Sometimes, I just need to stop, breathe, and relax...

Something from almost 5 years ago...

I found this tonight while discussing going GF with someone facing that challenge, and I thought I'd repost it (more for me than anyone else).

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Goodbye to Gluten

"Drink with me to days gone by, to the life that used to be..."

Warning: The purpose of this post is to explain something that I’m going through. Consider it a mini-funeral, mixed with the ushering in of something new.

This past year has been like none other for me. I started college, made new friends, fell in love… overall, it’s been a wonderful year. However, it has not been an easy one in the health field. The stress of college and finals resulted in a bout of "self-induced mono" (per the doctor). Even when I was over that, I didn’t feel better. I’ve been sicker (off and on) than I can ever remember being. Worst of all, there is no apparent cause. Or there wasn’t.

At the beginning of summer, my mom and I began the process of trying to figure out exactly what it was that ailed me. Tests were run, and nothing showed up. A doctor suggested I see a gastroenterologist. So off we went. In the meantime, I began researching celiac disease. I read up on it, talked to people who had it, and became convinced that I too had it. (People with celiac disease can’t process gluten, a protein found in wheat, rye and barley products. I began watching what I ate, and realized that the times I was sick tended to follow eating those products... or, all the time.)

The gastroenterologist ran tests for many things, including celiac. Nothing abnormal showed up. He chalked it up to IBS, and sent me on my merry way. I, however, was not satisfied. The sickness continued, as did my search for an answer. What I’ve learned is that celiac is a branch on the gluten-intolerance tree; you can be gluten intolerant without being a celiac. If this is the case, your test results for celiac will likely be negative (like mine were), and your intolerance only diagnosable by a diet-change.

It’s time for me to make that change. It won’t be easy. Think about how many times a day you consume a wheat, rye or barley product. That number multiplies when you look at the non-bread uses for those products (like malt flavorings, or the omelets at IHOP, or almost any prepared foods). Now, think about going without all of that, of making sure that you don’t consume anything with gluten in it. It won’t be easy.

So here’s my goodbye:
Goodbye to wheat, rye and barley. Goodbye pasta, sandwiches, and flour tortillas. Goodbye gravy, chicken nuggets, and burgers. Goodbye cereal, toast, pancakes and waffles. Goodbye to frozen dinners, to convenience. Goodbye to being "normal". Goodbye to the eating habits I’ve lived by for over 19 years...

Hopefully, I’m also saying goodbye to migraines, fatigue, irritability, illness, depression, “brain fog”, and pain. Goodbye to all those hours spent feeling sick. Goodbye to the constant fear of going out, getting sick, and being stuck.

Here’s what I’m saying hello to:
To reading labels and ingredient lists. To buying fresh, unprepared foods. To taking the time to make my own meals and breads if I want them (though there is at least one place in Norman that sells gluten-free breads and pasta). To being assertive and standing up for this as more than a “trendy diet”. To a stronger willpower, because cheating on this won’t get me anywhere. To a healthier, happier life.

Like I said, this won’t be easy. I’ll need all the support and encouragement that I can get. I’m not strong enough to do this on my own. While I’m not asking you all to go through this with me (though you can if you want to), I am asking for support, prayer and encouragement. And, lastly, for you to join me in my goodbye to the “life that used to be.”

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Interesting. Coincidentally, I listened to that song earlier tonight and wanted to put it as my status update on facebook, but didn't. It's amazing how much has changed since then (my comfort with cooking, my gluten-free food repertoire, my joy in eating) and how much hasn't (a creature of habit, not very assertive, etc). I still long for a burger that I can pick up to eat... and I miss flour tortillas, and peanut butter and jelly on white bread. And most of the time I feel better than I used to, but some of those symptoms still linger; I'm not sure if they're the result of some hidden gluten, or some other cause (stress, perhaps?). Either way, it's life.

Springtime

Hope your spring is as lovely as mine has been; if so, please take the time to stop and enjoy it!

Heartstrings

It's been six and a half years since I've been abroad, six and a half years since Russia. Pictures still hang on my wall at my parents' home, and I've managed to keep in touch with a handful of my friends from there. Six and half years is a long time, when you're only 24. I'm a very different person than I was then.

But, in an instant, I'm back there. Certain smells, or when the weather is just right, or when certain songs come on the radio. I can still feel it, like I'm there.

This morning there was a bombing there, in Moscow; two women killed themselves, and many others, in the subway during rush hour. I don't know if my friends are safe; I'll hear from some, sure, but the others... those I've lost touch with... will remain a mystery. My heart aches for those who have lost loved ones, for those who were injured, for those who will live in fear now and always wonder if their next ride will be their last. My heart also aches for those who did it, but for a different reason: they carried so much hatred with them that this action was their only answer. I'll never understand how anyone could do such a thing, nor do I want to.

I realize that Moscow is not the only city in the world under attack, nor Russia the only country fighting terrorism or at war, nor those families the only ones suffering sudden and horrific losses... and I realize that this is nothing new. Today's news just hit me a little harder, pulled a little harder on my heartstrings, than yesterday's or the day-before's.

I want hatred to disappear. As cliche as it sounds, I want world peace.

How do I make that happen?

On being happy...

At times, it's easy. The sun is shining warmly on my face, the music is good, work is done, I feel accomplished, heading wherever to see loved ones... no struggles there. Happy comes easily.

The rest of the time looks quite different. Work is frustrating, never ending. My head and body ache. The worries of life--from bills to planning my family's future--loom over me. People let me down; I let people down. It's a struggle to stay positive, to fight back against every negative thought and feeling that creeps up on me during the day.

But I've tried harder the past few days, and the struggle is worth it. Life is better, when I stay positive.

I like being happy.

Issues

I was talking to some friends tonight about the way we were raised, and how that affects our inner dialogues of positive and negative thoughts, which affects our relationships with those around us... and I started thinking.

I was depressed as a child, around age 9. We had moved across the country, I had a tough year at the new school, I was sick and in pain all the time (and didn't figure out the cause until college), and I remember feeling deeply, severely depressed. I remember looking at my family and feeling unloved, unwanted. Make no mistake, it was completely untrue; my parents have always loved me and have tried their best to show it. But something in me changed, and I started to hate myself... and I extended that to believing that my family hated me. After a very frustrating while, the depression faded, and I moved forward... but I never completely healed. From then on, I've worked to do everything perfectly, to be the best me that I possibly could be, to earn love, so that no one would ever have any reason to hate me. At the same time, I built up walls to protect myself, to not let anyone get close enough to see my flaws and faults.

But, you see, it doesn't work. As long as I'm perfect, things seem fine... but perfection in unattainable. Every time I fail or falter or struggle, I start to believe that others dislike me, look down on me, find me incompetent and foolish and annoying, are disappointed in me... because that's how I feel about myself. And the walls that I've built up have kept so many people from getting to know the "real" me. the likable, relatable me, with faults and strengths and emotions; all they see is a struggling perfectionist who is often angry (with herself, more often than not) and distant. And, despite knowing that my loved ones love me, I constantly question whether I'm good enough for them.

I don't want to be negative; I don't want to keep living this way, and I don't want it to affect my children (when I have them). I want to be happy, to have joy, to love myself, to not hurt, to not question, to not doubt. But after years of living this way... I don't know how to change, or where to start.

I just want to be free.

Words

It's easy to forget the power of words.

Words? We use them to communicate, but they do more than express mere facts. They carry our emotions and feelings; they speak to our hearts as well as our heads. The right word can raise down-trodden and discouraged spirits, provide hope for the distraught, inspire artists, bring laughter to the crying and convey love to the most wretched soul. The wrong word can merely confuse, or it can cut more deeply and more sharply than a sword. Words can move nations into action, for good (MLK Jr.) or for bad (Hitler). Words are powerful tools, and we should always consider how we use them.

Perhaps the most dangerous weapon is a carelessly spoken word; without thinking, and within a second, unintentional damage can be done. This is none more true than with those we love, those with whom we have become vulnerable. The wounds caused by words will heal, but the process is slow and delicate. For each negative word spoken, hundreds of positive ones must be used to rebuild and repair.

Please, consider your words wisely... don't just talk.